Autism, Marriage & Self-hatred

Update on Ashley 

This last semester Ashley has had a lot of illness with a stomach bug, the flu, a UTI and side effects from the UTI so we had some rough patches and setbacks. We started seeing a huge regression in potty training but it turned out that it was a UTI which she was not able to tell us. I had to let go of a lot of guilt from my frustration with her over potty accidents and not seeing the signs. However, this last month she has been very healthy so we have seen some progress which is a beautiful sight to see and hear! :)

We feel blessed to have a wonderful team around Ashley this semester and how hard everyone works to help Ashley reach her full potential! We love all our ABA therapists (Sascha, Kelsey, Jenn & Andrea) and Ashley loves doing community outings working on waiting, social skills, communication, accepting no, transitions, etc! Tracy & I have been doing Son-Rise Playroom (play therapy) this semester and Ashley seems to enjoy working on letters, colors & numbers! We also have Grace and her team at school who celebrate her victories and have currently been working on her answering yes and no to questions which has been very helpful! We want to hear her voice her preferences instead of just pushing the item away or having a meltdown.

Ashley's Highlight of this Semester 
I imagine Ashley's favorite part this last semester was our trip to SeaWorld with close friends! She saw the roller coasters and kept requesting to ride. I do not enjoy them very much but Ashley got to ride her first roller coaster which she LOVED! She also got to meet the Sesame Street characters and gave Elmo a spontaneous hug! She also enjoyed the Shamu show and watching him jump out of water at different places! I loved reported back to all our therapists about our trip because it affirms them that all their hard work is paying off and Ashley is making progress!

Following Directions

Ashley has been getting better at following directions with no verbal or physical prompts from another person! At the park, they have a new zip line that Ashley LOVES and Jeremy pushes her fast! She independently gets off after 1 turn, gets in the back of the line and waits her turn!

We made cookies for our neighbors and Ashley pulled apart the dough. She separated them well on cookie sheet and flattened them out. She also put a small amount of sprinkles on each cookie which was progress because in the past she would have kept shaking lots onto 1 cookie! :)

Potty
Ashley is starting to request potty at school and on community outings! At home, she is starting to walk into the bathroom independently when she needs to go!!!!! We are praying this will continue and she can become 100% independent. A lot of outings or events have been planned around her potty schedule and some events we have even avoided because she had not yet had a BM that day.

Speech & Language
Ashley continues to imitate words and is not even using her iPad to communicate inside the home now! In this last month, she is also starting to answer questions with NO prompting and answering question appropriately!!!! At school they have really focused on her answering with yes or no so that she will start responding each time with words instead of actions. I love seeing how she is comprehending better and really thinking about her answer before responding. Sometimes she takes a few seconds to respond and it is a beautiful sound!

Some common questions she is responding to yes or no to:

"Do you need to go potty?"
"Do you want a snack?"
"Do you want to watch ....?"
"Do you want to go to ......?"

Some common questions she is now able to answer verbally:

"What color is .....?"
"Can you count how many...?"
"What do you want to watch on TV?"  (She normally answers "on-sters" for Monsters, "Elmo", "Trolls" or "bell" for Tinker Bell)

I tried to capture some on video to share with our family!

Birthday Party

Noah got invited to a Troll Hip Hop Dance birthday party from a girl he knows from Preschool and church. The girl's mom, Kim, emailed me to invite Ashley to come also since she knows Ashley loves music and dancing too! That was so generous of them to include Ashley in a birthday party that would be filled with 5 year olds! Ashley loved it and did sooooo well! Jeremy and I were able to stand on the side and Ashley was following the teacher's instruction! We were amazed that Ashley didn't need anything repeated or need one of us to shadow/redirect her. Ashley followed all these instructions like stand in line at back of the room, grab a hula-hoop, kick out your leg, freeze when music stops, etc! Jeremy and I were both so proud of her and loved seeing that progress! It got a little tougher at the end when she was ready to eat cake but she did end up waiting. The birthday girl also asked me several questions about Ashley and I was able to inform her and her friends about Autism too!

Marriage

Disclaimer: Jeremy and I are not experts on marriage nor do we have a perfect marriage. We have been married 12.5 years now and I know we still have so much to learn. However, we are really excited about what God has been teaching us and how he is transforming our marriage! We discussed adding part of our story to this blog because our marriage affects Ashley in all areas of her life. We hope and pray that this below might encourage another couple out there who are struggling. :)

 Jeremy and I have overall have had a good marriage over these 12 years but there have been rocky times just like most marriages. Our rough times were during our first year of marriage, when we were trying to get pregnant with Ashley and how I handled my infertility issues, when Ashley was a very tough toddler and we pulled away from our church & friends, when Ashley was getting diagnosed with autism, and after Noah was born.

This past year Jeremy joined the HCBC Men's Ministry Small Group on Thursday nights and God has used it to transform our marriage. They did one study of John Eldredge on Prayer and another powerful lesson about "Agreements". I watched this "Agreements" video also and I have started to see spiritual warfare in a different way. The "Agreements" referred to lies that Satan feeds to us and that we believe. For example, "If my wife knew this about me, she would never forgive me", "My husband will never change", "This is not a sin because everyone does it and it's acceptable in our culture", "I'm not beautiful because I hate this ... about my body", "That woman looks like she has the perfect life", "That person would make a better spouse than who I am married to", "I could never be healed of this addiction", "I will never be happy", etc. If we believe these lies, then we are saying that we have no Faith that God can heal us, transform us, help us out of temptation, or that He created us in His image.

God has been convicting Jeremy of places in his life this past year that he needed to confess and turn away from. In October, Jeremy finally shared ALL of it with me and asked for my forgiveness. Over the years, he made an "Agreement" with Satan that I would never understand and would never forgive him. Not all of it was against me but what he started realizing that his sin (big or small) affects our marriage, affects how he can lead our family, affects how he can be a father to our kids, and affects how he relates to others. God used all of this to inspire me to search my heart for those areas that I need to change and surrender. Since this big breakthrough, we have had some of the most honest conversations ever and shared even the ugliest parts of our hearts. We are realizing how our sin has kept space between us and God and also space in our marriage. If we feel shame & guilt, then we pull away from God and others. However, if we bring sin to light then we able to be healed and have freedom!  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 1 John 1:7

We are ALL broken and have wounds but God is healing Jeremy, God is healing me, and He is elevating our marriage to a richness we have never experienced! This is a wonderful song called "Broken Together" by Casting Crowns.

We are always under spiritual warfare and we are both realizing this will be a life long battle. I am so proud of Jeremy for how he is being a spiritual leader to me and our family now! Every night we "check-in" with each other about our day regarding our struggles, lies we denounced, and victories! We are now partners in our struggles and prayer warriors for each other! I love getting to know Jeremy's heart more each day and to start understanding how his past wounds & scars affects how he relates with me and others. We were even able to get away for a weekend and wrote out new Commitments to each other & Goals for our marriage! It was a wonderful time to reconnect and really share our hearts with each other!

We are also reading this book together and it has been very eye opening. We have had great discussions from this book so far on how our life experiences growing up have shaped us into how we relate to others. If we had the funds, I would buy this book for EVERY married couple that I know! :)  As a woman, do you feel super clingy or do you try to control the situation and your spouse? As men, do you get super angry or pull back, being passive? What if it didn't have to be like this? What if there was the ability of understanding our differences in a way that draws us closer to Christ and closer to each other? We strongly recommend this book!

https://www.amazon.com/Love-War-Something-Beautiful-Marriage

Self-hatred 

I didn’t want to include this part about me personally but then I knew that meant I was suppose to. I was making an “Agreement” with the enemy that this was too personal to share and that is my pride wanting to protect my image on how others see me. God has been working on many areas of my life  but one area that has been a struggle for me all my life is Self-hatred.

I have always felt insecure about my looks and body image. I have compared myself to others since middle school especially tv actors or models on the front of magazines. God has finally gotten through to me using this “Agreements” video that this is a sin against Him. I am responsible for being as healthy as I can like eating right and exercising. However, I can not criticize the areas on my body that I cannot change otherwise I am insulting the One who Created me!

Psalm 139: 13-15 
For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

I think self-hatred of body image might be the top struggle women have their entire life and never fully conquer. I know God has been healing me in this area over last few months and it will be an area that I will need to surrender daily. Letting go of Self-hatred has changed how I am relating to Jeremy and how I view myself! I always appreciated when he said I looked beautiful but I never believed it. I also didn’t believe it all those times I read Psalm 139 above. Lately, I keep hearing from multiple sources (church sermon, book, video, songs) that I cannot be satisfied by my spouse or rely on him for my happiness. The best thing I can do for myself and our marriage is to be completely satisfied in Christ and look to Him for my identity!